“The grass is not always greener on the other side.”
A common saying in American culture. Often in life it’s easy to look at others' circumstances and think of how much simpler/better/happier they seem to be. We might dream of escaping our struggles and embracing an alternate option. We might fantasize about our life taking a different path and finding more joy than we currently feel by changing course. This is often how divorce is approached, typically by the spouse who is initiating the divorce.
If you are that spouse, I’m here to say it is NOT greener on the other side. I’m speaking to those within marriages where dignity still remains intact, where abuse and severe infidelity does not exist. Outside of those, the problems you face still may seem irreparable. (Faust, 1993) They are not. Elder Oaks stated, "for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache." (Oaks, 2007)
In my early twenties, I endured a divorce. I use the term "endured" intentionally. I was lucky enough to not have children with that former spouse. But the divorce was, nonetheless, devastating. I liken divorce to that of the unexpected and preventable death of a dear loved one. There are feelings of loss and mourning, but accompanied with those are also feelings of confusion, blame, anger, disappointment, shame, guilt, sadness, depression, fear, pain, bitterness, worry, and more. Oftentimes, because of these feelings, divorce is not discussed with many people outside of a very small circle. It is a lonely and painful process. No person can truly understand exactly how you are feeling.
Except Jesus Christ.
After divorce, there is a long road to healing, longer for some than for others. It is healing that is made possible only through the Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ. Through the power of the Atonement we can find forgiveness, joy, and love. We can shorten the duration of pain and have hope for the future once again. The light at the end of that very long tunnel will continue to brighten until one morning the tunnel no longer exists and your heart is free from the heavy weight divorce brings.
Do not seek out divorce. It is not the immediate solution it might seem to be. If you feel like you have hit rock bottom and it seems divorce will be the catalyst to bring you up, please recognize that it will pull you down further than you thought was possible before you will begin to be able to make that steep ascent to your new normal.
Avoid it like the plague it is.
Do what you can to repair the relationship now. Recognize your faults. Seek help from a professional. Find forgiveness. Repent of your own mistakes. Remember why you married in the first place. Take the time to rebuild. Focus on your blessings. It is not easy. But it will be worth it. (Oaks, 2007)
References:
Faust, James E. "Father, Come Home," Ensign, May 1993, 35.
Oaks, Dallin H. "Divorce" Ensign. (May 2007).
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