Strapped

Financial challenges are faced at one time or another for every married couple. Married life has been broken into six different stages from marriage with no children to retired with adult children. The stages as described in Bernard Poduska's book "Till Debt Due Us Part" describe my own experience. After marrying, my husband and I had many other married friends who had struggled with fertility issues. Within my own family I had a history of fertility problems. Because of these two things, together we agreed that if we wanted to start a family we should start now. After all, it could take years to finally have a child! So, 10 months after our wedding day we had a beautiful baby girl. We were quickly, and shockingly, thrown into Stage 2. 

This is when the financial problems began. The problem was that we were still living as if we were in Stage 1 of young adulthood. Poduska states, "As a young adult, you may tend to purchase assets that consume income or depreciate rapidly (cars, stereo equipment, boats, clothing, cheap furniture) instead of assets that produce income or have a chance to appreciate (stocks, real estate, IRAs, savings bonds). You may also be more inclined to spend a larger portion of your income on entertainment and recreation." This describes exactly our lives. We were both working full-time prior to having our daughter, but we were still strapped financially. This constriction was due to our overspending. We bought wants, often on credit, with the plan to pay for them next month. Then our daughter came and we were trying to juggle raising a child while breaking our bad financial habits of overspending. We eventually dug ourselves our of debt while living on far less income than we started out making. It was a long and painful growing experience.  

Today we are in Stage 2 and 3 and are financially much wiser. Poduska states regarding stage 3:

The need to include financial limits and rules is essential to teaching children about money management; otherwise, overindulgence may give them a false impression of what it's like to live in the real world. Parents must increase their income and set limits on their own spending because the costs of rearing teenagers will dwarf the cost of rearing children under the age of twelve.

This is the next step we are working on. There are many looming future expenses coming our way as our children enter their teenage years. We have attempted to teach our almost 13 year old responsible financial decision making through paying tithing, working for compensation, and saving for larger purchases. My own experiences have proven all of Poduska's perspectives to be spot on. I can look back and see how far my husband and I have come in our marriage, especially financially. We are still learning, but I see the benefit of those stretching years to teach us how to be more prepared and plan for the future.

References:

Poduska, Bernard. Til Debt Do Us Part (Ch. 11). Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain. (2000).

Family Councils: Divinely Appointed

"...The family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children," states The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Considering the important role the family plays in the life of each person born on the earth, time should be dedicated to ensure this central unit is functioning well. This is where family councils come in to play!

My family began holding family councils this last summer after our Stake Presidency along with President Nelson urged families to begin holding these sacred meetings together. This wasn't new counsel but I was reluctant to try for many years. By the summer I felt like there was major emphasis placed on the need for family councils and I finally decided we should give it a try. 

I'm happy to report it has been a mostly successful endeavor! Our family has held (relatively) regular family councils every Sunday night since August. As part of the family council we try to follow the structure of the apostles and their council. We begin our meeting with greetings in the form of gratitude. We always start with a prayer and then we all get to share one (or more) act of service that was done for them over the last week by someone within our family. We have found this to be an effective way to lift everyone's spirits and maintain the spirit within our meeting which is a fete in and of itself! I have a prepared agenda that I put up on the television for everyone to reference. It typically says a lot of the same things. Mainly we go through our upcoming schedules for the week. Address any conflicts with timing of activities. Plan out the chores and laundry days. And lastly we open it up to discuss any problems that have occurred over the last week that anyone would like help addressing by the group. This is probably the trickiest part of the whole meeting. However, it has worked out pretty well to allow each person to talk and give their suggestions. We have had to strictly enforce the rule of no interrupting, yelling, or speaking in a rude or cruel way. Our goal is to make sure everyone has a voice, even if that voice is 5 years old and offers no comment actually relating to the issue at hand (I.e. My sister keeps leaving her clothes on my side of the room... 5-year old solution: I brought my unicorn to school today...) A few issues have been addressed using the family council method. We implemented this based on the teachings on family councils shared within the last 6 months by the prophet and apostles. But, this portion of the family council is an area we need to work on in order to help increase its productive value. I hope we can one day have a council like President Ballard describes, "They speak as they are moved by the Spirit. They strive to feel the manifestations of the Spirit concerning the item discussed, which may necessitate a change in their own feelings and thoughts in order to be in harmony with the entire Council." 

Overall, I have seen nothing but blessings come from instituting family council. We are all on the same page. Our family as a whole feels less overwhelmed over the coming week because we all know what is happening. Family council has helped our family be more organized and reduced the number of arguments that occur throughout the week over chores, laundry, and activities. 

Innocent...Until It's Not

This is a topic that hits close to home on so many levels. I have witnessed the slippery slope Satan uses to entice spouses to fall into sexual transgression and infidelity. It is always innocent, until it's not.

Pornography is something I was exposed to at a young age. I had close family members who struggled with this addiction. I knew from a young age that it was wrong and had to learn how to separate the sin from the sinner. This is a very difficult lesson to learn as a child. I am grateful for the focus the prophets and apostles have placed on pornography use, but most importantly on the ability to repent and alter the course of that addiction. In Goddard's book he states, "...The greatest sin of pornography may be that it reduces the sacrament of intimacy to a random and wanton act of self-gratification. Preserve or renew your awe in the blessing of simple acts of affection." (Goddard) Pornography desensitizes individuals and creates a self-centered focus toward sexual intimacy. As he stated, it becomes an act for "self-gratification" with no focus on connecting or pleasing the spouse. Pornography is a difficult addiction to break but it is possible. It should be avoided like the plague. However, when individuals falter, there is help! 

In my early twenties I was married for just shy of 2 years before officially divorcing my spouse. The problems began with a pornography addiction that I was unaware of and ended with two affairs. Over the years I have contemplated that "mission" I served and I have grown empathy for those who struggle in their relationships and struggle with addictions. Addiction can be an isolating trial for members of the church due to the perceived stigma and shame. My first marriage reinforces the statistics shared in the State of the Nation report regarding the effects pornography can have on a relationship and the reasons for its addictive qualities. With 4.2 million pornography websites and more than 10 million people visiting these sites within one year, it is no wonder this has become an epidemic behind the secrecy of closed doors. (2009)

The Atonement performed by Jesus Christ is for all. It is for the depressed, the downtrodden, the sufferer, the addict, and the unfaithful. Sometimes I hear others say things like, "If my spouse ever did _____, I wouldn't stick around." Though I understand the sentiment, I surely hope more spouses would actually find a way to forgive and love a repentant partner rather than walk away at the first sign of sin. Of course, every situation is unique, but remember Jesus Christ's sacrifice for each of us can help to empathize and see others' challenges with a more loving heart. 

REFERENCES:

Goddard, H.W. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage (2009). Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

"The State of the Nation Report: Fractured Families." December 2006; Appendix 5: Pornography, sexual infidelity and family breakdown.

Rich in Resources

In Goddard's book "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage," his main focus is for spouses to become disciples of Jesus Christ. In each chapter Goddard emphasizes how changing our hearts in a specific area will improve our marriages. The change of heart basically goes hand-in-hand with the teachings of the gospel. As I have read through this book I have seen the truth to his words amplified in my own marriage. On days when I have a good attitude and focus on Christlike thoughts/activities, my interactions with my husband are nothing but positive. However, when I'm having a negative day or especially negative feelings, those flaws I overlooked just yesterday are suddenly glaring and seemingly impossible to ignore. I have found Goddard's approach to be absolutely true. 

In Gottman's book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" his overarching message is to strengthen the marriage through strengthening connections between spouses. Each chapter focuses on a new way to strengthen that connection, whether it be through resolving conflict or focusing on positive qualities of our partner. This book helps spouses identify weaknesses in their marriage with tools to strengthen those weak points. Through completing the quizzes I was able to concretely identify what areas of my marriage are strong and what areas need a little work. Self-evaluation is always a good thing because it allows us to see where improvement is possible. 

One key way Gottman shares to identify these weaknesses in our marriage is through the "marital poop detector." Gottman teaches spouses to be aware of any trouble within the marriage, no matter how minor. Instead of waiting for the minor issues to become large before addressing it, spouses should address issues early on in order to prevent it from becoming detrimental to the success of the marriage. A conversation with a soft start-up should take place between spouses to discuss nay underlying problems. If we can keep our expectations for our marriage high, studies have proven high qualities marriages will follow. Instead of putting up with negativity and brushing issues under the rug, Gottman encourages spouses to address the negativity early on while it's still easier to fix. (Gottman, pp. 220-221)

Between acting in Christlike ways, focusing efforts on strengthening marriage, and addressing identified weaknesses, any marriage following the advice of these two books is guaranteed success and marital satisfaction!

References

Goddard, H.W. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage (2009). Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

 

Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.

Consecration in Marriage

To consecrate means to make or declare something sacred, or to devote exclusively to a divine purpose. When speaking of consecrating marriages, consider what that actually looks like within a relationship with a spouse. 

Consecrating involves sacrifice. In marriage, Satan will tempt individuals to set expectations of manifestations of love. When expectations are not met, feelings of resentment, irritation, loneliness, and distance develop.  If these feelings continue, the tendency to escape the disappointment through various means including divorce is quite common. But, first, remember the Savior. Goddard stated, "I think that is how Jesus felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. 'Is there any way out? I don't think I can bear it!' Yet He did bear it. And in bearing it, He saved us. Had He not honored His covenant over His peace and comfort, all of us would be everlastingly lost." (Goddard, 2009) I can endure negative emotions and search for positive solutions to my problems. Marriage is not meant to be blissful at all times. I need to remember my devotion to my spouse and the covenant I made. If I can do that, I can sacrifice my pride and selfishness, and remain committed to my husband and God.

The talk by Elder Robbins titled "Agency and Anger" had some more great suggestions to help marriages remain consecrated. He explained that Satan would like us to believe that anger is out of our control, that anger is genetic or is caused by some outside influence. The Joseph Smith Translation (JST) of Matthew 5:24 states, "But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother... shall be in danger of the judgment." The portion that stated "angry with his brother without a cause" was removed from the inspired JST. The reason for my anger is unimportant. It's more important to exercise control over myself. This is an area I could work on. Does this mean I, or my husband, should never have negative feelings? Absolutely not. Gottman stated, "When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen. This is true even when your partner’s anger, sadness, disappointment, or fear is directed at you." It is difficult to filter meaning through strong emotions but that is what I should strive to do. I should strive to see my husband with a loving perspective and understand his actions are not meant to hurt or offend, no matter if his delivery is less than ideal.

Lastly, "Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve...Rather than wondering if this marriage is a good investment that will pay us a handsome return, we ask for heavenly grace that we may love and serve as Jesus served-without thought of reward. While there are destructive relationships that should end, the vast majority of relationships can survive and flourish if each of us brings our whole soul as an offering." (Goddard, 2009) As I strive to live more as a disciple of Jesus Christ, I will be able to find ways to serve my husband and look past his imperfections to see the son of God he is, and will become. Consecration is choosing not to react with anger when my husband says something I perceive as offensive. It is finding a way to productively communicate my needs when I'm feeling overwhelmed. It is making an effort to connect when my husband even when I've had a bad day. It is becoming more Christlike while also strengthening my relationship between my husband and God.

REFERENCES

Goddard, H.W. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage (2009). Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 157). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.

Robbins, Lynn G. “Agency and Anger,” Ensign, May 1998, 80.

Importance of Humility

Photo Credit: https://isha.sadhguru.org/us/en/wisdom/article/stop-being-stingy-with-selfishness

Pride is the source of much conflict. President Ezra Taft Benson stated, "Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance." This statement makes it tempting to remain in ignorance since, as the saying goes, it is bliss! But, alas, the ways in which pride manifests itself is anything but blissful. It is important to learn about pride. Once we have knowledge of what pride is we can more easily recognize it and eliminate it from our lives. Before reading this week I would have described pride as selfishness and boastfulness. President Benson clarifies the actual definition of pride. To help us better understand he stated, "The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” (Benson, 1989) Any synonyms the average person would use to describe pride actually have enmity as its core. Selflessness and love of God and repentance are the cure.

 In Goddard's book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage emphasis is given toward repentance. Often in marriage we may assume that if our spouse would change, our problems would be solved. Dr. Goddard made an excellent point when he said, "Some years ago God taught me an ironic truth. I don't have the right to correct anyone I don't love. You see the irony! I am inclined to correct my partner when I don't feel loving. When I do feel loving, irritations roll off my soul like water on a duck's back." I know in my own marriage, if I'm feeling especially irritable, that is the time I want to make the most corrections. When I'm in a good mood, however, I can more easily let things go and express myself calmly without agitation. One of my most difficult struggles is learning the art of self-control, especially when I'm feeling extra irritable or stressed.

Another way to curb the tendency toward pridefulness is to be aware of our spouse's needs and allow them to influence our decision making. I identified with many of the points made within Chapter 7 of Dr. Gottman's book. I have been married for 13 years and I have seen the growth that has taken place within our marriage. Many of the arguments that occurred early on had to do with this failure to respect and honor each other, which I didn't recognize at the time. When we take the time to truly consider one another's feelings, we feel more loving toward each other and resolve conflict quickly. 

I remember a time when my husband and I had a disagreement. It was pretty heated and we cooled off for an hour or so in separate rooms. When my husband came back to me he apologized. He said, "Sometimes it's just hard because you're always right." I laugh at this statement now. At the time I wasn't sure whether to be offended at his perceived sarcasm. But he explained that he's noticed I often have ideas that work better and are more thought out and are, therefore, "right" and he sometimes has a difficult time accepting a different approach when it wasn't his idea. This is a perfect example of all of the above! We need to stay humble, repent, and allow our spouse to influence us in positive ways to keep a strong and happy marriage!

References:

Benson, Ezra Taft, "Beware of Pride." General Conference. April 1989. 

Goddard, H.W. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage (2009). Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

 

Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 88). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.

Staying Connected

https://www.goalcast.com/2017/07/12/these-5-things-are-what-keep-couples-connected-strong/

A common tendency in life is to be inner focused. The natural man wants to be self-involved and concerned for his/her own well-being above any other. Within marriage, this perspective can spell disaster. In order to maintain a successful marriage both spouses must be turned toward one another. They must remain engaged and interested in each other's lives. But how?

One way is to look for ways to change ourselves. Instead of pinpointing irritations in our spouse, Dr Goddard explains that we must try to have a "mind of Christ...We can see our spouses with compassion instead of irritation." (Goddard, p. 77)

Secondly, share our appreciation for our spouse. When we choose to appreciate rather than criticize we are strengthening the bonds between us instead of tearing them down. (Goddard, p. 78)

Third, enjoy the little things. It is through small moments that marriages remain strong. Grand gestures or lavish vacations are nice but they don't supply the backbone to keep a marriage in tact. We need to look for ways to fulfill the "bids" our partners make. Spouses who have "A tendency to turn toward [their] partner [develops] the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life." (Gottman, p. 87)

Through faith in the Savior Jesus Christ we can improve ourselves. To succeed in marriage, one must be committed and humble. Jesus Christ is the best example of this. When we come to know Him, we will better understand how to magnify our call as a wife/husband and mother/father. The trials we face will give us renewed perspective. With an eternal perspective we can see a struggle for what it is- an opportunity to grow. The sealing covenant made within the temple will also help us to better grasp the importance of our marriage. Through participation in those sacred ordinances, a husband or wife can remain steadfast and will look for ways to serve their spouse and family. Understanding the temple covenants helps us remember our purpose here which will help us endure through trials in partnership with our spouses. We do not need to endure alone. 

REFERENCES

Goddard, H.W. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage (2009). Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 88). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.