Building a Love Map

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A strong "love map" is vital to the survival of every marriage according to Dr. Gottman. But what is a love map? Dr Gottman describes it as a "term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life." The concept of a love map explains the closeness or distance that can be felt within a relationship. Distance can develop as less and less time is spent focusing on one another. Maintaining a love map takes time, attention, and commitment. Through the ebb and flow of life, individuals can be distracted and easily lose a connection with a significant other. In my own marriage, I make an effort to touch base with my husband throughout the day. He began working from home 18 months ago. This has given us more opportunities to keep in touch with each other's lives. We try to go on a date outside of the house at least once a week in order to continue our courtship. On the nights when we can't go out, once our 5 children are in bed we look for ways to have fun together. In these ways we have been able to maintain a strong relationship and an up-to-date love map. 

No one can be truly prepared for what marriage will bring. It is easy to say we understand it won't be easy or we understand we will still have challenges. But marriage is a unique institution of growth set up by two individuals who are committed to honoring their covenants and promises to one another. We are not meant to alway agree. We are not meant to always get along. However, if we maintain a strong love map, we can see the positives and remember the good. Our focus can better remain on uplifting thoughts and we can choose not to dwell on negativity. Gratitude is a practiced trait but it is valuable to the success of every marriage.

In my own marriage I have chosen to sacrifice my time. We have five children and the majority of my day is spent serving my children or my husband. Our children are 10 years apart and our first child was born just before our first anniversary. I have had to work tirelessly over the last 13 years to raise my children while remaining selfless and positive. It has not always been easy to dismiss the sometimes selfish, spiteful, or otherwise negative thoughts, especially when I feel unappreciated. I have learned how to better communicate my feelings. I have learned my limits. I have learned how to teach by example . Every day isn't perfect, but after tear-filled days/weeks/months, I can see my blessings more than my follies. I can be grateful throughout the day which allows me to maintain a positive outlook even when life has thrown me a curveball. 

References:

Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 54). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.

Marital Conflict

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Conflict in marriage is inevitable. Fortunately, much research has been done over the last several decades to learn more about conflict and the principles for a successful marriage. Repairing marriage is even more possible today than it was 30, 40, or 50 years ago. 

In the past, the typical form of therapy for married couples involved an approach geared toward conflict resolution and active listening. Though these are good skills to have, studies have found that approach does not have long-term effect on the quality of a marriage. Dr Gottman teaches, "Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse." (Gottman, p. 22) Developing a relationship that involves knowing each other "likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams" (Gottman, p. 21) is vital to creating a connection that has the ability to override any negativity.  When a deep connection exists, thoughtful actions will take place on a daily basis, both big and small. 

Another expert in the field of marital therapy has a different approach to solving conflict within marriages. Dr H. Wallace Goddard shares, "We will only succeed at marriage as we use eternal gospel principles to become more of what God has invited us to become. Marriage is God's graduate school for advanced training in Christian character. Those truly succeeding at marriage are those who are applying the Gospel ofJesus Christ in their lives." (Goddard, p.17) It makes sense that the best way to improve a relationship, especially a marital relationship, is to strive to live a life more closely in alignment with the teachings of Jesus Christ. Consider any negative interactions involving two human beings. There will never be an instance where applying a principle of the gospel would cause more problems. Gospel principles, when applied, reap love, kindness, and positivity. 

In my own life I have found value in applying both concepts, inadvertently. My husband and I have known each other since we were 13 year olds. Our friendship began long before any romantic relationship. Because of this, we are able to overcome conflict quickly and without long-term harsh feelings. Along with our friendship, we have both remained committed members to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There is a different feeling both within our home and within our relationship when I am personally working to strengthen my testimony and more closely follow the teachings of Jesus Christ. I am able to maintain a positive, eternal perspective even in the midst of conflict. My responses are kinder and more compassionate. Maintaining a connection with the Lord helps me to be more aware of my own actions and reactions. With shared beliefs, we are able to not only connect emotionally but also spiritually which deepens the friendship we established so many years ago. 

What if you are struggling to rekindle that friendship? What if the monotony of life has taken over and the connection you once felt has fizzled? Consider other strong relationship you have had in your life. How did they come to be? Spend time together. Find common interests. Communicate regularly about serious and not-so-serious topics. Work together on projects. Plan fun outings with family and alone together. All of these things will help strengthen a friendship generally and will especially strengthen a marital relationship by building trust and love. 

Reference:

Goddard, H. Wallace. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. (2009). Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. (2015) Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.

Contracts or Covenants

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Distinguishing between contract marriages and covenant marriages is important to the success of any couple who has been sealed together within the walls of the temple. Because the Priesthood has been fully restored to the earth, worthy members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have the opportunity to attend the temple and make sacred covenants with God. The final, and vital, covenant made within those holy walls is the sealing covenant. This covenant is unique in that it involves two people and God.

Satan would have us believe marriage is only as important as the tangible benefits we gain from it. That is the essence of a contractual marriage. Elder Bruce C. Hafen stated:

When troubles come, the parties to a contractualmarriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent. (Hafen, 1996)

Why do covenant marriages tend to stick together longer? It’s the inclusion of God. When we marry only for each other, or for our own selfish reasons, it is easy to become self-indulgent. When trouble comes, and it will, it’s easy to feel despair and question whether marriage was the right choice. But when we are covenanted to each other and God, we can maintain an eternal perspective. Our marriages have more value. Through the sealing covenant, we can remember who we are and who we can become together. We can remember our role within our marriage and the term “helpmeet” is more sacred. The goals we set will become both individual and couple-driven.  

In a covenant marriage, we have the added blessings from the Lord for keeping our promises. This is a guarantee! President Joseph Fielding Smith stated, “The covenant on the Lord's part is that if man does as he promises, then all that the Father hath shall be given unto him; and this is such a solemn and important promise that the Lord swears with an oath that it shall come to pass.” What an amazing promise! If we keep our promises, we know what our future holds. (Smith, 1970)

Those who have been sealed for eternity must take the time to study and understand the importance of that covenant. Attending the temple often will help to keep this sacred perspective. Clearly the blessings of a covenant marriage far outweigh a marriage by the world’s standards. We should all strive to be sealed and continue to perfect ourselves and our eternal relationships.

Resources:

Bruce C. Hafen, “Covenant Marriage,” Ensign, Nov 1996, p. 26.

Joseph Fielding Smith, “The Fulness of the Priesthood,” Conference Report. April 1970.

The Great Marriage Debate

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In considering the debate between same-sex marriage and opposite-sex marriage, it is apparent that society has begun to treat those who support the latter as bigots, prejudice against others who want equal rights based on their rights to love. However, in the midst of this debate, many points have not been covered by mainstream media. The reasons behind man-woman marriage have not been explained and the necessity for the institution of man-woman marriage has not been shared by those who are expected to assist the public in education of societal issues. The media as we know it has had an agenda from the beginning and that is to push the agenda of same-sex marriage.

I’m willing to stand against that propaganda. In the Supreme Court decision, there were three dissenting votes. Three of the five judges did not support changing the definition of marriage to  law. The main reason stated in the dissent was the decision being in direct violation of the purpose of the judicial system. Five judges who were not elected into position chose to change the law to reflect their personal views on the subject of marriage. The decision was not made based on supporting the current Constitution, which is the purpose of the higher courts, to uphold the law as it is currently written. That alone is at minimum disappointing. In actuality, devastating would be a better term. These judges overstepped their assigned bounds when they made the decision to nullify the state laws voted on by the people and enact a Federal decision proclaiming same-sex marriage legal and acceptable and forcing states to oblige that decision. This decision was a great disservice to the people and to the country and governmental structure to which they serve. (Obergefell, 2015)

Separate from that infringement on our right as voters, the overarching reason to continue to support man-woman marriage is the historical significance to the public institution of marriage. As Carol Ruse stated in her speech, marriage only became a public institution out of necessity. It was established to help protect the rights of the children and to create a level of expectation and responsibility for those men and women who choose to bind together and procreate, whether intentionally or not. For millennia, societies have established marriage as a man-woman institution that is necessary in maintaining the very foundation of society as a whole. When children are cared for and raised by both a mother and father, children thrive and progress into productive and responsible citizens, strengthening their families and the society at large. Traditional marriage is the backbone to a thriving, functional society. (Carol, 2015)

I can’t claim to understand the difficulty and heartache associated with loving someone without an ability to have that recognized by society on paper. However, love is not in question in this debate. This debate is about the very foundation of our culture and society to which traditional marriage has proven to be the bedrock throughout all of humanity. Who are we to change that?

References

“Carol Ruse remarks, World Family of Congress IX.” (2015, October 28). Retrieved

September 30, 2019, from https://youtu.be/xVTHhQhFb8M.

Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. (2015). Supreme Court of the United States.