Building a Love Map

Photo credit: http://www.don-elium-psychotherapy.com/love-maps-exercise

A strong "love map" is vital to the survival of every marriage according to Dr. Gottman. But what is a love map? Dr Gottman describes it as a "term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life." The concept of a love map explains the closeness or distance that can be felt within a relationship. Distance can develop as less and less time is spent focusing on one another. Maintaining a love map takes time, attention, and commitment. Through the ebb and flow of life, individuals can be distracted and easily lose a connection with a significant other. In my own marriage, I make an effort to touch base with my husband throughout the day. He began working from home 18 months ago. This has given us more opportunities to keep in touch with each other's lives. We try to go on a date outside of the house at least once a week in order to continue our courtship. On the nights when we can't go out, once our 5 children are in bed we look for ways to have fun together. In these ways we have been able to maintain a strong relationship and an up-to-date love map. 

No one can be truly prepared for what marriage will bring. It is easy to say we understand it won't be easy or we understand we will still have challenges. But marriage is a unique institution of growth set up by two individuals who are committed to honoring their covenants and promises to one another. We are not meant to alway agree. We are not meant to always get along. However, if we maintain a strong love map, we can see the positives and remember the good. Our focus can better remain on uplifting thoughts and we can choose not to dwell on negativity. Gratitude is a practiced trait but it is valuable to the success of every marriage.

In my own marriage I have chosen to sacrifice my time. We have five children and the majority of my day is spent serving my children or my husband. Our children are 10 years apart and our first child was born just before our first anniversary. I have had to work tirelessly over the last 13 years to raise my children while remaining selfless and positive. It has not always been easy to dismiss the sometimes selfish, spiteful, or otherwise negative thoughts, especially when I feel unappreciated. I have learned how to better communicate my feelings. I have learned my limits. I have learned how to teach by example . Every day isn't perfect, but after tear-filled days/weeks/months, I can see my blessings more than my follies. I can be grateful throughout the day which allows me to maintain a positive outlook even when life has thrown me a curveball. 

References:

Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 54). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.