Marital Conflict

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Conflict in marriage is inevitable. Fortunately, much research has been done over the last several decades to learn more about conflict and the principles for a successful marriage. Repairing marriage is even more possible today than it was 30, 40, or 50 years ago. 

In the past, the typical form of therapy for married couples involved an approach geared toward conflict resolution and active listening. Though these are good skills to have, studies have found that approach does not have long-term effect on the quality of a marriage. Dr Gottman teaches, "Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse." (Gottman, p. 22) Developing a relationship that involves knowing each other "likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams" (Gottman, p. 21) is vital to creating a connection that has the ability to override any negativity.  When a deep connection exists, thoughtful actions will take place on a daily basis, both big and small. 

Another expert in the field of marital therapy has a different approach to solving conflict within marriages. Dr H. Wallace Goddard shares, "We will only succeed at marriage as we use eternal gospel principles to become more of what God has invited us to become. Marriage is God's graduate school for advanced training in Christian character. Those truly succeeding at marriage are those who are applying the Gospel ofJesus Christ in their lives." (Goddard, p.17) It makes sense that the best way to improve a relationship, especially a marital relationship, is to strive to live a life more closely in alignment with the teachings of Jesus Christ. Consider any negative interactions involving two human beings. There will never be an instance where applying a principle of the gospel would cause more problems. Gospel principles, when applied, reap love, kindness, and positivity. 

In my own life I have found value in applying both concepts, inadvertently. My husband and I have known each other since we were 13 year olds. Our friendship began long before any romantic relationship. Because of this, we are able to overcome conflict quickly and without long-term harsh feelings. Along with our friendship, we have both remained committed members to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There is a different feeling both within our home and within our relationship when I am personally working to strengthen my testimony and more closely follow the teachings of Jesus Christ. I am able to maintain a positive, eternal perspective even in the midst of conflict. My responses are kinder and more compassionate. Maintaining a connection with the Lord helps me to be more aware of my own actions and reactions. With shared beliefs, we are able to not only connect emotionally but also spiritually which deepens the friendship we established so many years ago. 

What if you are struggling to rekindle that friendship? What if the monotony of life has taken over and the connection you once felt has fizzled? Consider other strong relationship you have had in your life. How did they come to be? Spend time together. Find common interests. Communicate regularly about serious and not-so-serious topics. Work together on projects. Plan fun outings with family and alone together. All of these things will help strengthen a friendship generally and will especially strengthen a marital relationship by building trust and love. 

Reference:

Goddard, H. Wallace. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. (2009). Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. (2015) Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.